Disclaimer:
There are various things to consider
when following the instructions herein. Among these, the most
important thing is the number three. Actually, the only thing to
consider is thus rendering my first statement a lie much like the
lies that have led me to you and you to these instructions.
It is recommended that the reader
invest in morphine or sertraline hydrochloride or a
combination thereof. If such resources are unavailable, other forms
of self-abuse, such as severe alcoholism, fight clubs, and/or copious
amounts of Ben & Jerry's are advised.
(For the purposes of this essay, I will
refer to this person as a girl for the sake of abusing the phrase
him/her, he/she, his/her, etc. Male pronouns may be substituted as
needed.)
I. Beginnings
Step 1:
Find a girl who obviously has feelings
for someone else. Make sure the guy she has feelings for is inferior
to you in every way including, but not limited to, loyalty, stamina,
personal hygiene, and hairstyle. This inferiority will make -you-
feel more inferior. Next, fall in love with her. This can be easily
achieved by compulsively sweating as she approaches or laughing at
all of her jokes or writing her name over and over again across the
parallels of your notebook paper. Start spending every spare moment
with her until you know her better than you know your own body odor:
the smell of her hair; the shape of the glint in her eyes when she
laughs (different than the shape when she cries); or how she likes to
wear green on Mondays to match her eyes so maybe this Monday will be
less shitty than the last as per all the compliments she may receive.
Do anything to make her smile. You can even go the extra mile and set
her up with the other guy.
For example:
Arrange a “group date” in which
you, her, her crush, and close friend all attend. Halfway in, leave
with close friend, return home, and sulk the entire night in the form
of curling up into the fetal position on your couch and weeping to
romantic comedies.
As the noose of your emotions tightens,
you will begin to notice dull pangs of sadness sweep over you from
time to time – especially when she is talking to the other guy on
the phone and ends the conversation with that three-word bullshit
that shall not be directly quoted.
Note:
If you feel the need to strangle, break
the neck of, stab thirty-seven times in the chest, or throw hot coals
at the face of someone, do so wisely such as when you are dreaming –
Actually, only then is probably the wisest choice.
Step 2:
Purchase a pistol. A 1911 Colt .45
should do just fine. It is important to note that although you will
never make use of it, you will spend many nights rolling a bullet
from knuckle to knuckle wondering why you don't have the balls to
load the barrel, put it to your head, and pull the trigger. As saline
pours down your cheeks, unnamed liquids oozing from your nostrils
(the tears and snot will taste the same), you'll question your sanity
for the umpteenth time. You'll think back to when your lips first
touched and you were still a human being rather than a shell of one.
Step 3:
Begin dating her on the side. Be sure
you know what you are signing up for. Although you feel victimized,
you must become the villain. Acknowledge the fact that you are the
one she is cheating on him with. Accept it. Embrace it. Hate it. Once
you are aware that the pristine waters of your emotions have been
polluted by your own desires, you will wade through the congealed and
molding swamp of your own self-pity until you are neck-deep in an
ocean of guilt.
Imagine this:
You are the incredibly witty,
trenchcoat-wearing, Ph. D-bearing (but somehow completely
incompetent) supervillain who always reveals his plan pre-defeat
holding this girl hostage in a cage of your own adoration and lust.
The hero (in this case, the other guy) swoops in and “rescues”
the damsel just for the sake of being just or heroic or some shit. It
doesn't matter that she isn't even in distress. It doesn't matter
that she's perfectly content in your evil clutches. He has to be the
“better” guy that will always rub their relationship in your
face.
This is just how it is. It is best to
just accept it and move on.
II. The Fall
At this point, you may begin to
experience chest pains, nausea, fever, high blood pressure, loss of
appetite, hypersensitivity (to all things physical and emotional),
and shortness of breath. These symptoms are a product of your
self-confidence leaving your body. (Please refer to disclaimer,
second paragraph.) The remnants of said confidence may be found on
the damp tissues in your trash can.
If you are not a smoker, now would be a
wonderful time to start.
When observing her and the inferior guy
hand in hand (or mouth to mouth), symptoms may worsen.
If so, do NOT consult a doctor as he
will prescribe you unnecessary and/or addictive drugs (Lexapro,
Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, any combination thereof, etc.)
III. Recovery
Unfortunately, no methods of
rehabilitation have been established. Rate of relapse is
approximately 97%. Permanent scarring, hair loss, insomnia, weight
loss, and a void in your chest cavity where your heart used to reside
will be evident post-love triangle. Anticipate abandonment, regret,
and “I told you so”'s.
Self-help options:
Pretend to be happy all the time. For
example:
- If someone asks, “How you are doing?”, respond with “I'm fine.”
- If someone asks, “How's the love life?”, respond with, “It's fine.”
- If you receive a swift kick in the teeth, smile a bloody, teeth-hanging-from-strings-of-gums smile.
- Whenever she tells you about her date last night say, “I'm so happy for you guys.”
You are now ready to question every
future relationship. Insecurity, trust issues, and insane jealousy
will now be a way of life.
Below are a few online resources to
assist you in your deterioration:
- www.aa.org/
- www.usdrugrehabcenters.com
- www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
- www.suicideproject.org/2010/04/just-pretend-youre-happy
- www.emotional-times.com/2011/06/how-to-deal-with-jealousy.html
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