Ever

When you wake what is it that you think of most?
When your bed is empty do you really sleep alone?
If I imagine you, body next to another.

All around me new love and it makes me sad.
All around me feel assured that you'll be back,
If I imagine you, body next to another.

On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing.
On the drive back there tears spilling over something.
When I imagine you, body next to another.


It seems that life follows me in 3's. I'm not a numerologist, but, once, a numerologist told me that 3 was the answer to everything - how nature, fate, and the end of the world means giving up to 3.

I'm not saying I blame anyone. Or anything. If I had something I could say, I'd scream it. I'd bleed words and anxiety and thoughts. I'd spill them on your white blouse. And there they would lay, a beautiful catastrophe of tears and lonely nights and lovers that love too much and pain. Just pain.

 I will tell you that living, staying sanely alive, depends on bottling it up. The sacrifice of my own emotions. It means putting your tender intentions above mine. Letting go. It means not saying what I know that I want.

Signing up for things I know I'm signing up for but them feeling surprised about it later on seems to be one of my things. But I just can't shake the feeling that things are wrong. Days are wrong. Hours.

Every day, I dream that simplicity will find me. It will make me stop worrying about money. And how long it's been since I've contacted you. And what to think about what people think about what I think about them. And where to use line breaks when I write. And who to love. And how to love. And all of the nasty, ethereal, adventurous moments in between.

When I lay among the soft murmurs of your insides, I imagined a world where I could bask in it - the idea of me and you vs no one but me and you - then the salty bite of a tear rolling down my cheek brought me back to the truth.

But even though there is nothing now - even if I shake and wither into a pile of self-pity as my mind lays beside yours - even if it feels that the world stands frozen and the record of my life skips and skips and skips and skips and

I can still imagine a world where I call you mine. And when anyone asks I can say it and know it's true. Because where you wear me proudly, a cloudburst of doubt electrocutes my senses. Because, when your fingers lace over my bicep, my heart feels more at ease than it has ever felt.

And ever is a very long time to feel.